


Heroes Anonymous

by lita



Category: Heroes - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 11:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lita/pseuds/lita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heroes characters had Heroes Anonymous meetings to discuss or whine or complain about their powers, misled by Mohinder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who's the idiot inviting us?

**Author's Note:**

> This's my very early work writing fanfic so there might be glaring errors. If you do find that, please let me know.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Heroes and any other references you recognize.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," said Mohinder, glancing at Molly and Micah, "and kids, we are here to discuss your ability or abilities in case your name is Peter or Sylar or whoever else I have not met. My father's research has shown that most of you present here have them. Now I would like you to introduce you and/or your ability. Who would like to start?"

"I see dead people!"

"No, Molly. You can't. That is the famous line from the Sixth Sense. Thinking about that I wish I could meet Mr. Shamalayan in person on top of finding special power people, bringing down the company, finding the cure the virus that can affect most of you and psychopath killer(s)."

"Yes, I can. I can find anyone in the world and if they are dead, well, I can still see them so I was right."

"OK, OK, next!" said harassed Mohinder.

"I can bend space/time continuum!" Hiro yelled happily.

"What does it mean?" enquired Claire, who could not help but notice she isn't the only freak in this room, which made her glad, and thinking that she's glad of that made her feel bad.

"You must be the cheerleader. That means I can stop time and travel to the past and the future. However, they were or will not be safe. Do not go there!"

"I think it should be OK for me to go there. After all, I can walk through fire and did not get burned. Oh my God, I can't die, that really is a bad power," choked Claire, "Although I did die more than once."

HRG rushed to hug her, he said, "It is OK, Claire. They are all freaks except Ando, Dr. Suresh and I! "

"I don't see there is anything bad with not being able to die though," enquired a puzzled Niki, "It is still better than being able to rip people with my bare hands, throw people out of a window and barely remember having done that."

"Well, I can testify to the ripping and throwing people part, but I do not know about the not remembering part," Matt agreed bitterly.

"All of you shouldn't feel bitter about your power(s), after all it is a forward step from evolution according to my father and Darwin," Mohinder said as he tried to soothe everyone.

"Do you have to mention your father every few sentences?" Claude asked after materializing out of thin air next to Mohinder and caused everyone there to jump, but after what they had been through they regained their composure quicker than Mohinder finished saying my father's research.

"Well, it is his research and we won't be here if I do not invite you all based on his list," Mohinder said defensively.

"Fine, I'll keep quiet now unless some idiots say some stupid things again. Gosh, that was a tautology, idiots always say stupid things!" growled Claude and moved to sit on one of the empty chairs.

"I believe I can fly," whispered Nathan.

"Can you or do you only believe? I used to believe in lots of things but see where they led me," Claude said belligerently.

"But of course he's the flying man. Whoosh!" Hiro chimed in enthusiastically and made the rocket motion with his hand.

"I don't have any powers but I'm brave and confident, that also makes me a hero," said Ando confidently.

"Well, any idiots can be brave and confident," Claude said _sotto voce_.

"Could you please keep the grumbling in your head down? I'm trying hard as it's to concentrate on what you all have been saying and thinking at the same time," Matt cried as he was clutching his head, "OK, I must admit that I hear voices in my head".

Sensing that people who don't know him bewilderedly looking at him, he continued hastily, "OK, not exactly voices asking me to do things, but I can hear people's thoughts. Although, I really must learn Japanese now to understand what Ando and Hiro were thinking."

"What? You can hear people's thoughts. Why didn't you say so earlier? People have secrets you know," roared Nathan.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about Linderman's plans and Meredith. Oops, I said too much, sorry," Matt said quickly and he wisely shut up.

"That's OK, the Haitian can take care of any leak plans or secrets after I find him," said HRG, "By the way, I can both look good and evil with the glint of my eyes or my smile. Well, that's not really a power but I consider it as a talent."

"Does that make you a villain or a hero?" enquired interested Hiro.

Mohinder felt that the meeting was not going as he wanted so he quickly interrupted, "Well, Meredith, Micah, DL, you have not said anything since you came. I did not invite Sylar for obvious reasons in case you ask."

"I can communicate with machines, rig election results, steal money from the ATM, no big deal compared to most of you," Micah said and shrugged his shoulders.

"Young man, we need to talk when we get home or you'll meet Jessica," Niki said sternly.

"Well, I can phase through any solid objects, it seems not as exciting as what you all have been saying so I prefer not to talk about it," DL said quietly.

"Mine is mundane as well, let just say I do not need matches or lighters for the rest of my life but I can still cook and burn things and keep it like that," Meredith added quickly.

"Why hasn't anyone asked me? Oh God, my hands are glowing again. Thanks to the idiot who invited me, now I absorb too many powers and going to explode again. Nathan! Nathan!" cried Peter.

"Oh no, not again!" wailed Nathan.


	2. Didn't we learn the lesson the first time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now the meeting includes Season 2 characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: OOC-ness of characters.

"People with extraordinary powers and normal people," announced Mohinder, "By the way, I try to include everyone here without the typical _ladies and gentlemen_ as I'm very considerate."

"Does it mean people with extraordinary powers aren't normal?" inquired the genius, Micah, "How about people with some powers but not extraordinary like say kill people by crying?"

"Hey, I can hear you!  I'm going to cry soon," cried Maya.

"Why are you offended anyway unless such a power exists? I was just giving a very unlikely example," asked confused Micah. He glanced at his mum who shook her head, quickly added, "Oh, I'm really sorry, I did not realize that you have _sensitive_ hearing."

"Maya, please calm yourself down! Her power is indeed to kill people by being upset which pretty much means we're all doomed as she gets upset every 5 minutes. Not to worry now, the Haitian is around. I learned my lesson from the previous meeting. Luckily the Haitian came in time the last time to prevent another Peter's explosion. Didn't anybody think that my opening sentence is extraordinary?" beamed Mohinder.

"Yes, it was extraordinary," exclaimed Matt and Molly.

"Yeah right, it was my idea anyway to have the Haitian waiting outside in case of emergency," said a very smug Bennet.

"It seemed to only block certain powers though, like mine, but not when Ted exploded in your house so I can't be 100 sure that we're safe," said Matt quite sensibly.

"Hey, I only cancel power when it's needed," defended the Haitian.

"Sure, usually ensuring the safety of your partner's family will be someone's priority but no, you think it's beneath you, you only use your power to kidnap people!" continued Matt.

"Yes, and to make people forget and spend a few months in Ireland enduring horrible fake Irish accents doing non-destiny things," agreed Peter.

"What exactly is non-destiny thing, Peter? You seem to use that word a lot. Matt, you should be my supporter in this meeting, as we live together, so could you please be quiet? We need to focus and continue," barked impatient Mohinder.

"Not as much as you said "extraordinary" and "my father's research," mumbled Peter.

"My name is Monica and I have muscle memory according to Mohinder. That means I can copy any action that I have seen," said Monica, "although I think I need to make sure I watch useful things, like fighting a few thugs instead of climbing wall."

"Tell me about it. If it's not because of you, I wouldn't be in the explosion," cried Niki or perhaps Jessica or perhaps Gina.

"Were you in an explosion? How come you're still alive? I believe in karmic retribution then," grinned Matt.

"You're a very vengeful fellow, aren't you? First the Haitian, now me, who's next? Sylar, perhaps? The way I survived the explosion was the same as the way you survived four gunshots. Does it make sense?" growled now-is-really Jessica.

Matt inched away before decided to use his power to ask Jessica to back away.

"Matt, did you just use your mental power again? I told you not to do so," groaned Mohinder.

"What? It's survival of the fittest. Darwin would agree," said Matt proudly.

"Oh please, could we two please stop bickering like old married couple? Regardless whether you are indeed couple. Not that I mind as I'm not homophobic. If the meeting drags on for too long, I'll grow unfashionable beard again in very short time. By the way, Pete, you have that power too, the growing beard power, with you being a Petrelli and an empathic," grinned Nathan uncharacteristically.

"Wow, flying man, you can also grow beard, that's so cool. I always want to grow beard to look like the real Kensei, well, my childhood version of Kensei, not the Adam Monroe's one," said Hiro excitingly and gestured frantically about holding imaginary beard with Ando.

"What? What lame power do I copy this time? I agree that having muscle memory is cool. But having Maya's killing by crying and Nathan's growing beard power is not part of my DESTINY of being HEROIC," whined Peter, "I still think my emo hair looked better."

"Please stop being silly! Did I hear the "d" word and "h" word again?" Mohinder said with barely suppressed grin, "Anyway, I'm pretty sure you aren't a crybaby so it's OK. It might be handy to cry whenever an enemy approaches you although you might kill the whole block as well. Comparing to nearly destroying the whole New York, one block isn't too bad. Don't listen to Nathan about his power! Who's next?

"How about me? I can demonstrate my power," said Elle as she electrocuted the speakers in the room.

"OH GREAT! NOW, I HAVE TO SPEAK ON TOP OF MY LUNG. HOW CAN YOUR POWER WORK WHEN THE HAITIAN IS AROUND? WHERE IS HE, BY THE WAY?" screamed Mohinder hysterically.

"Oh, he left around 5 minutes ago. Saying that he needs to use the bathroom to ..." explained Claire helpfully.

"Thank you, Claire, we don't need to hear the gory detail of the who-cannot-be-named-Haitian doing in the bathroom," Bennet said in hurry.

"Yes, kidnapping people probably," mumbled Matt.

"Mohinder, I also bring backup speakers in case of emergency, you know, the Company always prepare for every emergency. Oh, I did it again, I don't work in the Company anymore, shouldn't keep promoting them," lamented Bennet.

"Thank you, Bennet. You're proven to be a loyal employee after all. If anyone decides to join the Company, you won't regret it," said Bob as he turned the chair sat by Adam into gold, "as you will be paid handsomely."

"What a bunch of show-off family!" exclaimed Adam who decided it's time to grace his meeting with his talk about killing mankind. "Who wanted to join me for the quest of immortality and destroying mankind? Well, immortal for me literally, and too bad metaphorically for the rest of you."

"Speak for yourself!" exclaimed distressed Claire.

Hiro quickly teleported Adam out of the room before any further damage is done.

As everyone was surprised by sudden exit of Hiro and Adam, a dark figure walked in the room holding a can of spinach and a tub of frozen yoghurt, unable to eat either of them as his hands were full (It was inconvenient to feed yourself telekinetically).

The newcomer said, "Oh golly, there's an anonymous meeting and I wasn't invited. I'm very disappointed, Mohinder, after all we've been through, I thought I was special."

"Oh no, not again! Enough of déjà vu!" groaned everyone collectively.


End file.
